People-Pleasing: Why We Do It, When It Becomes Unhealthy, and How to Heal

Many of us know the feeling: someone’s tone shifts, a text goes unanswered, or a look lingers a little too long—and suddenly we’re wondering, “Are they upset? Did I do something wrong?”

In her book Are You Mad at Me?, therapist and creator Meg Josephson captures this beautifully. She describes the anxious, self-blaming spiral that so often follows even the smallest interpersonal wobble. For many, this spiral is rooted in a lifelong pattern: people-pleasing.

As a therapist, I see people-pleasing not as a flaw, but as a strategy—one that once protected us. And through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can understand and work with this pattern in a way that is compassionate, sustainable, and deeply healing.

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is the automatic tendency to prioritize others’ needs, emotions, and comfort over your own. It often shows up as:

• Saying yes when you want to say no

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

• Monitoring others’ moods

• Feeling responsible for other people’s reactions

• Apologizing excessively

• Feeling anxious when someone seems “off”

In the short term, these strategies reduce stress or prevent conflict. But in the long run, they can erode self-worth, boundaries, and authenticity.

Why We Become People-Pleasers

People-pleasing often begins as a survival strategy—especially in childhood or environments where emotional expression felt unsafe.

1. To avoid conflict or emotional volatility

If conflict felt overwhelming, your nervous system learned that smoothing things over kept you safer.

2. To maintain connection

We’re wired for belonging. When connection felt fragile, you learned to earn it by being agreeable or self-sacrificing.

3. To manage anxiety

As Meg Josephson writes, people-pleasing can become a kind of “hypervigilant caretaking”—a way to regulate internal anxiety by controlling the external environment.

4. To prevent shame

If you received messages that your needs were “too much,” “inconvenient,” or “selfish,” pleasing others became a shield against shame.

People-Pleasing Isn’t All Bad: The Adaptive Side

Before pathologizing people-pleasing, it’s important to name its strengths.

This part of you is perceptive, empathetic, and relationally intelligent.

It helped you:

• Build harmony in relationships

• Sense emotional shifts quickly

• Avoid real or perceived danger

• Stay connected when connection was essential

In IFS terms, the “people-pleaser” is a manager part—a protector who’s been working tirelessly for years.

When People-Pleasing Becomes Unhealthy

People-pleasing moves from adaptive to maladaptive when it:

1. Requires you to abandon yourself

If you chronically ignore your needs, desires, or limits, your system pays the price—emotionally, relationally, and physically.

2. Creates anxiety in ambiguous situations

A delayed text, a neutral comment, or a quiet pause becomes evidence that you did something wrong.

3. Undermines authenticity

Relationships become imbalanced because you’re performing rather than showing up as your full self.

4. Leads to resentment

When you give without boundaries, you eventually hit a breaking point.

5. Makes your self-worth dependent on approval

Your sense of okay-ness rises and falls based solely on other people’s responses.

Josephson describes this as “anticipatory repair”—fixing something that might not even be broken.

How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Helps Us Heal People-Pleasing

IFS offers a compassionate, non-pathologizing way to understand and transform people-pleasing. Instead of forcing yourself to “stop,” IFS invites you to meet the protective parts involved with curiosity and care.

1. Identify the People-Pleasing Part

Notice the moment it activates—often felt as guilt, pressure to accommodate, or anxiety about disappointing someone.

2. Befriend the Part

Ask gentle questions:

• What is this part afraid will happen if it doesn’t keep the peace?

• How old does this part feel?

• Whom did it learn this from?

3. Appreciate Its Positive Intentions

This part is working for your safety, not your harm. Appreciation helps it relax.

4. Meet the Younger Exile It Protects

Often there’s a younger part—an exile—who fears abandonment, rejection, or conflict. They need reassurance, compassion, and attunement.

5. Let Self Energy Take the Lead

From the calm, grounded Self, you can:

• Set boundaries without panic

• Tolerate others’ disappointment

• Stay connected to your own needs

• Allow relationships to be reciprocal

The goal isn’t to get rid of the people-pleasing part—it’s to help it feel supported so it doesn’t have to run the whole show.

Practical Ways to Begin Healing People-Pleasing

Here are small, doable practices that support long-term change:

1. Pause before committing

Check your body first: Do I truly want this? Do I have capacity?

2. Let small moments of discomfort be okay

Don’t rush to repair. Let the silence or uncertainty breathe.

3. Notice when you’re rescuing instead of relating

Ask: Is this mine to carry?

If not, gently set it down.

4. Offer compassion to the younger parts of you

They’re not bad—they’re scared. Extend the warmth they never received.

5. Practice boundaries as an act of connection

Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re honesty. They make relationships safer and more sustainable.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Keep Everyone Happy to Be Safe or Loved

People-pleasing isn’t something you “fix.” It’s something you understand, honor, and gently transform.

Josephson’s insights and IFS together offer a powerful reminder: the anxious voice asking, “Are you mad at me?” isn’t you—it’s a younger part seeking safety and reassurance.

When you meet that part with compassion instead of criticism, everything begins to change.

Interested in Healing People-Pleasing? Work With Me in Denver or Online

If you see yourself in this pattern and want support to navigate it with clarity, compassion, and new skills, I can help.

I offer individual therapy and IFS-informed work for adults who struggle with:

• People-pleasing

• Boundary-setting

• Anxiety and relationship stress

• Over-functioning and burnout

• Conflict avoidance

• Low self-worth

I see clients in person in Denver and virtually across Colorado.

If you’re ready to feel more grounded, authentic, and connected to your true self, reach out.

📩 Email: hbrodwin@gmail.com

📍 Location: 2727 Bryant St, Suite 550, Denver, CO

🌿 Learn more or schedule a consultation on my website.